Monday morning was Baby Girl’s 6 month check up. These are never fun because they almost always involve shots and public nudity (hers not mine… I remain clothed). With so many horrors, the scale at the pediatrician’s office is hardly anything to be concerned about. It is one of those things like signing in at the front or verifying insurance. You never expect that to be the thing that turns the appointment into something scary.
It turns out my little girl is not gaining weight. She is under the 5th percentile in weight, but is in the 10-25th percentile in height. She hasn’t put on a single ounce since her last appointment two months ago, but she has grown 2 inches. At first the doctor seemed surprised, commenting that she doesn’t look skinny. However, once I took the blanket off her she followed up with “oh yes, I can see it in her chest.”
My heart is broken for so many reasons. I know that this is relatively normal, but I can’t help but feel like I’ve done something wrong; like I’ve let her go hungry. This sweet child, who giggles constantly and sings when she wakes up instead of cries and looks at me like I could fix all the world’s problems, has been hungry this whole time. And I’ve been oblivious.
I’m also mourning the fact that this very likely is the beginning to the end of her breastfeeding. The story of her delivery would require its own post, but let me summarize by saying that my entire body failed on me when it came down to getting the baby out, but I was able to breastfeed. I took so much joy out of providing that for my child. When she was born I couldn’t even hold her, so everyone else had to change her, rock her and swaddle her, but I was the only one that could feed her.
Six months later I still secretly enjoy her unapologetic preference of my feeding her over anyone else. I knew this wouldn’t last forever (high school would have been really weird), but I thought it would last longer than this.
As sad as this is for me, I have to focus on what will keep her healthy, and be grateful for the fact that she is healthy… tiny, but healthy. And so we are onto a new phase in our life: breastfeeding (while it lasts), formula, and solids! I’m already excited about all the new things to introduce her to. I have a new mantra and a new goal. I’ll wipe the tears from my eyes and move forward.
It turns out my little girl is not gaining weight. She is under the 5th percentile in weight, but is in the 10-25th percentile in height. She hasn’t put on a single ounce since her last appointment two months ago, but she has grown 2 inches. At first the doctor seemed surprised, commenting that she doesn’t look skinny. However, once I took the blanket off her she followed up with “oh yes, I can see it in her chest.”
My heart is broken for so many reasons. I know that this is relatively normal, but I can’t help but feel like I’ve done something wrong; like I’ve let her go hungry. This sweet child, who giggles constantly and sings when she wakes up instead of cries and looks at me like I could fix all the world’s problems, has been hungry this whole time. And I’ve been oblivious.
I’m also mourning the fact that this very likely is the beginning to the end of her breastfeeding. The story of her delivery would require its own post, but let me summarize by saying that my entire body failed on me when it came down to getting the baby out, but I was able to breastfeed. I took so much joy out of providing that for my child. When she was born I couldn’t even hold her, so everyone else had to change her, rock her and swaddle her, but I was the only one that could feed her.
Six months later I still secretly enjoy her unapologetic preference of my feeding her over anyone else. I knew this wouldn’t last forever (high school would have been really weird), but I thought it would last longer than this.
As sad as this is for me, I have to focus on what will keep her healthy, and be grateful for the fact that she is healthy… tiny, but healthy. And so we are onto a new phase in our life: breastfeeding (while it lasts), formula, and solids! I’m already excited about all the new things to introduce her to. I have a new mantra and a new goal. I’ll wipe the tears from my eyes and move forward.
I'm so sorry you have to stop breastfeeding earlier than you want. I know how hard this must be for you but you're doing to right thing as a Mommy. The most important thing is that your little one is happy and healthy.
ReplyDeleteI had the hardest time accepting that breastfeeding wasn't enough for Miss J. I was so desperate that at one point I tried pumping every hour on the hour while I was at work! Let's just say I was very sore when I got home. :-P
Once I had a good, healthy cry about it and fed her her first bottle of formula I was ok. It took a little time but I got through and so will you.
Can't wait to see you guys this Saturday!
My friend, who is also your friend, sent me this post because the same thing happened to me at my sons 6 month appointment last month. I was heartbroken, felt like the most horrible mother in the world. I tried the whole pumping extra, fenugreek, lots and lots of water but to no avail my supply just keeps dwindling.
ReplyDeleteI've come to realize that it doesn't really matter though. I love that little boy more than anything and I would do any and everything for him. That's what being a good mom is all about, end of story!
I just wanted to comment because I know how you were feeling/still feel. There will be lots of bumps in the road for us, this is just one of many, but bumpy roads are fun roads to be on :-)